He's Just Not That Into You: Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
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It’s So Simple If you are in a mutually established monogamous relationship, then when someone cheats on you, they have decided to blatantly disrespect a very important decision you two made together. They’ve chosen to do this without your knowledge, thereby adding lies and secrecy to your relationship. Let’s call cheating what it is: a complete betrayal of trust. Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out and they’re working it out on your time and with your heart. Some cheaters might give you an excuse, some might not have one at all, some might even blame you. No one can tell you exactly what to do when faced with this very complicated and painful situation. But the bottom line is, is this what you had hoped for in a relationship? - 20 - Q&A with Greg I know some of these ideas are new to people and hard to digest. Because of that, I feel Greg still has a little explaining to do, to make sure no one walks away with the wrong idea. Okay, I’m not going to lie—I can use Greg to explain a few things…to me. Some of these ideas are hard to digest. —Liz IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG 100% of guys polled said they have never accidentally slept with anyone. (But many of them wanted to know how this accident could occur, and how they can get involved in such an accident.)
The “But at Least He Knew Her” Excuse Dear Greg, I’ve been going out with a guy for about a year. We are in love and get along great. Recently he met with his ex-wife who he hasn’t seen in about a year. (She had left him because she met someone else.) They have been divorced about two years. They slept together. I am very upset and want to break up with him. He wants me to forgive him because it wasn’t like it was someone new; it was his ex-wife. He promises me that it will never happen again—just old feelings came up and he couldn’t control himself. I want to forgive him—it was only once—but it feels like everything is ruined. Can he really be in love with me and do this to me? Joyce FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Ruined, Who decided to put the “ex” in “sex”? You’re telling me that the “get out of her vagina free” card is that he used to be married to her? Does that mean he can also sleep with the woman who cleans his teeth? How about the lady who develops his photos? Hope he’s not going to his high school reunion. Again, it doesn’t really matter if he’s still in love with you. He’s given you a pretty big clue about how he feels about your relationship. The bigger question is, can you still be in love with him? You can’t blame a guy for having feelings. You love someone, you break up, you still have feelings. Thank God for that really. But having feelings doesn’t mean you have to have sex. That required him to take his feelings and use them to be somewhere alone with his beloved, undress her, kiss her, and do all the other things involved with having sexual intercourse with someone. Hooray for feelings. Just keep them in your pants.
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Standard Suggestions I will not go out with a man who hasn’t asked me out first. I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone. I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me. I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable. I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable. I will not be with a man who’s afraid to talk about our future. I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me. I will not date a man who is married. I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person. Now it’s your turn. Only you know the standards you haven’t set for yourself. Write them down. Don’t forget them. MY SUPER-HELPFUL STANDARDS THAT I WILL NEVER EVER FORGET OR FORSAKE NO MATTER HOW HOT I THINK HE IS: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz I know a successful businessman who used to get stoned every single night, and sometimes in the morning too. He dated women who didn’t like it, and he would try to cut down while he was dating them. One day he met the women of his dreams and she would have none of it. He stopped cold turkey and now spends his days completely sober and very happy with it. Sometimes I really despise being part of a time and in a culture that is losing the ability to date – and face it, we are. But it’s really hard to tell if someone is into you if the entire cultural approach to dating has turned on its head. So maybe the guy who texts you vehemently on Friday night who is clearly under liquid courage is doing so because he doesn’t know any better (but he is really into you). Or maybe he’s doing so because it’s a booty call. One thing is for sure, in this day and age, any person who says they want to go on an actual, real-life date with you, is definitely into you. 4. “He’s just not that into you if he’s not having sex with you.” The “It’s Just the Way He Was Brought Up” Excuse Dear Greg, My boyfriend of a year is perfect in every way. He just happened to grow up in a very dysfunctional family with only one other brother and a crazy mother. I am from a very big, close, loving family. He does not ever want to spend time with my family, and when given the choice, will always stay at home rather than go for a visit. When I do take him with me to family dinners, he’s sullen and unfriendly. We talk about it and he says he just isn’t into family. It’s hard to imagine sharing a future with someone like this, but at the same time, isn’t how we get along alone more important? And I think eventually he would get used to my family and come around, don’t you? They’re really nice people. Enid FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear All in the Family, So your boyfriend is perfect in every way except he’s not into your family. Wow! That’s a pretty big exception. Sure, he’s got kind of a good excuse to be selfish. (Because that’s all this is about, really.) A lot of people don’t list on their - 37 -PDF / EPUB File Name: Hes_Just_Not_That_Into_You_-_Greg_Behrendt.pdf, Hes_Just_Not_That_Into_You_-_Greg_Behrendt.epub FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Not Listening, I looked up “I don’t want to be your boyfriend” in the Relationship Dictionary, just to make sure I wasn’t mistaken, but I was right. It still means “I don’t want to be your boyfriend.” Wow. And this is coming from a guy who’s spending four or five nights a week with you. That must hurt. Nice to know your not-boyfriend gets to live in your world commitmentfree. Not quite sure what you’re getting. If you want to give all that time to a guy who’s proclaiming he’s not your boyfriend, then go ahead. But I’d hope you’d at least go find someone who wasn’t saying to your face, “I’m just not that into you.” Men, just like women, want to feel emotionally protected when a relationship starts to become serious. One way they do that is by laying claim to it. They actually want to say “I’m your boyfriend” or “I’d like to be your boyfriend” or “If you ever break up with that other guy who’s not your boyfriend, I’d like to be your boyfriend.” A man who’s really into you is going to want you all to himself. And why wouldn’t he, hot stuff?
This is What’s Hard about This One, by Liz In my life, I have had two men tell me that they had slept with someone else, in the beginning stages of our relationship. (In one case, it came to me in a dream, literally, and I confronted him. That really freaked him out.) Anyway, both times what I got from it was that these men wanted me to know that they could never be trusted. They were barely in the relationship and had already pulled the escape hatch. The beginning of two people getting together is such a fragile, tender time. There’s nothing like a big pail of Sleeping with Someone Else to put out the fires of a budding relationship. I personally would never be able to overcome that. So this isn’t really a tough one for me. Now, if I use my imagination, I could see that in the beginning, the lines are not that clearly drawn, the rules aren’t that firmly in place yet. Maybe it is the last fling before the final commitment. If it’s early in the relationship, it can be hard to know if the guy is just getting something out of his system and it’s a one-time thing, or if it’s a guy who’s just a big jerk. That’s the thing about dating—you’re having intimate experiences with someone who, at the end of the day, you don’t know very well. You don’t know his personal code of honor, you don’t have his dating rap sheet. You have to go by instinct, how much you care about him, and what he has to say for himself about it. All I can think is, how sad to be having that conversation in the beginning of things, when everything is supposed to be cozy and snugly and people are usually on their best behavior. If nothing else, I wish better for us all. I really do. Now What Do You Do? Okay. We just laid waste to your personal lives. We admit it. If all the women in this book listened to these answers, there would right now be a fresh crop of newly single women out there. Therefore, it seems like it’s our duty to discuss what one must do after the breakup. We’re not psychiatrists or very girly (particularly Liz), so we’re not going to talk about candles and bubble baths and sending yourself flowers. But I think we could ask you to at least try to notice, even just a tiny bit, how good it feels to be out of a relationship with someone who actually wasn’t that into you. Can you at least feel that sense of relief? When you think about it, making all those excuses for someone and trying to “figure someone out” takes up a lot of energy. Think of all the time you’ve opened up for so many other more positive things besides obsessing over him. Yes, breakups are painful, even from someone you may have only dated a few times. You may have been really excited about him and had a lot of hopes for the future. But how empowering to have the mental clarity to say, “He just wasn’t that into me.” Can you imagine that girl in the future? Nothing will be able to stop her! Now, there’s a million things you can do after a breakup; what you do during that time—yoga, affirmation tapes, murder—is your business. But basically you’re going to have to feel the pain, you’re going to have to go through it, and then you’re going to have to get over it. All we can try to do in this book is help you do it differently in the future. The first thing we’re going to recommend is setting some standards. It’s So Simple Imagine right now that I’m leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I’m on my knees pleading with you. I’m saying this in a loud voice: “Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you’d like us to be.” I know it’s an infuriating concept—that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It’s insulting. It’s frustrating. It’s unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he’s just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you’re one of the nine, ladies!) I can’t say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.
Now think of five of your own. (We know we took the easiest ones, but we still think there’s at least five more you can come up with.) 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Read them, have a laugh, dump the cheater. Of course I can’t tell you what to do. But dump him. Okay so the dude who texts you vigorously every Friday night, if he only texts you every Friday night, yeah, he’s definitely not into you. Take to your heels lest you become the booty call. 7. “He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you.” Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with. You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time. (You have to be nice to them, too.) There’s never a reason to shout at someone unless they are in imminent danger. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith. What other choice is there?